The pen is mighty so start writing soldier. Here's a few of our latest weapons to be unleashed on the world. Do some cut and paste work and find a public place for them. Be sure to email us your latest efforts and we will make you famous in an underground kind of way.


GPP Smackdown

By Snow Yellow and Raydeasian


You are Milli and Vanilli
Without the talent to lip sync
A dismal light beer shandy
Youíre Abbotís favourite drink

You are a carob Easter egg
A lukewarm Diet Coke
Rehashed and pathetic
Like a Darryl Somers joke

You are a Christmas lunch
With a slimy tofu turkey
As false as the implants
Which make Pamela so perky

You are a Chinese Rolex
That leaves an itchy rash
Nasty and unwanted
Like a long post-vomit pash

A Willy Wonka wannabe

Without a factory full of midgets

You are Edward Penishands

Without the dildo digits

You are fake as all of Narnia
and silly as a fawn
A sad grab for publicity
like Heidi Montagís porn

If you want to steal ideas
Become a politician
Still want a war of words?
Weíve got loads more ammunition

So try and be original
And quit your concept thieving
Cos we've been dropping word bombs
Since you chumps were teething


TV Wooing

By Osama Bin Rhymin

Iím like Flipper on the land

Or Skippy in the sea

Full of good intentions

But as useless as can be

Iím not strong like the Incredible Hulk

Or ingenious like MacGyver

I many never earn a million bucks

Like the winner of Survivor

Unlike the folk from Baywatch

I donít strut beside the ocean

Ďcos no one wants to see fat rolls

Jiggle in slow motion

I donít have Astroboyís rocket shoes

Or Monkey Magicís mystic powers

Iím often quite confused

Like Manuel from Fawlty Towers

Iím not smart like Brainy Smurf

Or Brains from the Thunderbirds

When talk turns intellectual

Iím often lost for words

Iím more like Richie Cunningham

Than Fonzi on a scale of cool

But if I didnít ask you out

Mr T would pity this fool

Because I think youíre tops like Top Cat

And hot like Betty Rubble

Just like Punky Brewster

Youíve got a nose for trouble

Like Josie from the Pussycats

Youíre a foxy foxy lady

And as far as I know you donít have AIDS

Like the guy who played Mike Brady

Youíre so enthusiastic

Like the Asian chick from Hi 5

And when you treat me like a 4 year old

it make me feels alive

You have the sweet charm of Mary-Anne

Mixed with the glamour of Ginger

Youíre unusual like a flying nun

Or a turtle whoís a ninja

Like the casting agent of Bewitched

You could trade one Dick for another

So why donít you drop that loser

And come and be my lover?


And now itís awkward
By RaydeAsian
I was walking through the door,
I was running late to class
I went right to try to pass
But you moved into my way and back and now it looks like weíre doing a stupid dance on the spot
And now itís awkward
I looked and you were waving
So I smiled and I waved back
But you were waving there at Jack
Who was standing behind me so I pretended to comb my hair like this
And now itís awkward
You put your handbag on the ground
It looked like a wicker bin
Ninja turtles were within
But you caught me taking one and told me it was your hand bag and only rude little boys go through handbags
And now itís awkward
I said yes as a response
But you asked me what the time was
And I didnít understand cos

Your crazy accent, I donít even know where youíre from, Kyrgyzstan ? Where the hell is that?
And now itís awkward
I saw you at a party
And I called out loud your name
And now I know itís not Mermame

Itís Jenny and everyoneís looking at me like Iím a jerk
And now itís awkward
I said I wish heíd burn alive
And you said dude that isnít cool
I said what would you know fool?
Then I remember you have third degree burns to 30% of your body and youíve got that sad face on
And now itís awkward
I joined your conversation
And said Guys tell me the news
And you all looked at your shoes

Cos Jills dad ran over Sophie Delazio again this morning
And now itís awkward

Balls in my mouth
By Osama Bin Rhymin
In desperation I try to scream no
But every sicko wants to have a go
I shake my head from side to side
Still they treat me like an amusement ride
I stare to the sky and wonder what is
That foreign object in my epiglottis
Another ping pong ball from a Thai performer?
Those ones are fishy and a little warmer
That carnie pimp, that gold toothed grinner
He tells the crowd everyoneís a winner
And if they score a 33
They can walk away with a stuffed monkey
So every deviant little boy
Does his thing and gets a toy
They shove their balls into my mouth
And watch with glee as they head south
Though I feel quite sick I can not frown
For such is the life of a laughing clown

Differently Abled

By Dirty Doctor Fist

You kept me at an arms length
Which wasnít far cos of your stump
Oh sexy little amputee
Push your arm into my rump
Your head it bumped my crotch
Shyness you did exhibit
Be my dwarven lover girl
Be the midget on my digit

Your skin is raised and ridgy
Your mouth now makes you lisp
My burnt Madonna bandaged
I wanna pound you to a crisp
Youíre going through the garbage
Iíd so let you touch my junk
Curse the clouds obscenely
Iíll fill your cardboard box with spunk
When you breakdown your so sexy
I mean that literally
I kept a trophy nipple
Of the girl from leprosy

Youíve got the body of an angel
With a mental age of 3
Cover me in baby food
Go all Sesame Street on me

You never try to flee me
Although youíre wheel chair bound
Itís paralysed love making
With a kinky cracking sound.

By RaydeAsian
Pete Dohertyís a rockstar
According to the news
But he doesnít release music,
He just drinks, ODís and spews
Amy Winehouse is real scary
The photos are the proof
She looks like an old Crackwh0re

Just covered in less spoof
Tori Spelling is an Heiress
That got forgotten in the will
I just wish her mother
Had douched or used the pill.
Kristin Davis is a porn star
Her photos show her tits
If you search for some more photos
Youíll find her stretched pink bits
Paris Hilton is a singer
Lindsey Lohan is one too
But their songs are about as pleasant
As a Gonorrhoea stew
George Clooney is a sexy guy
With his girlfriend he seems pleased
Been snapped in pics with Girls and Boys
Sheís probably diseased
Owen Wilson got real sad
And had too much No Dose
But it couldnít fix his problems
Nor his broken nose.
So there we have a tour
Of our galaxy of stars
You may even view a black hole
As they get out of their cars
Meat Puppet
By Succubus
I wish I had a meat puppet
Iíd take him on the town
When I got the moonlight munchies
On his arm I would chow down
I could take him to a bbq
To have a bit of fun
We could cook him with the sausages
And serve him on a bun
And if you took him to the race track
I could win a buck or few
Cause the dogs I havenít bet on
Iíd throw my puppet to
Iíd love my little meat puppet
I could cuddle him in bed
But Iím afraid my doll of protein
Would stain my sheets there where he bled
If I could choose the type of meat he is
Iíd have mutton on a string
Oh the feel of sheep on flesh
His woollen coat Iíd be wearing
I long to have a meat puppet
A little red thick juicy friend
A little chop to call my own
My hunger he could mend
Amputee Hokey Pokey
By Osama Bin Rhymin
Like a little sperm
Dying upon a tissue
Itís the pointlessness of it all
With which I must take issue
Iíve been trying all my life
Trying really hard
But Iíve got the body of a sloth
And the mind of a retard
Iím like an amputee
Trying to do the hokey pokey
Or a tone deaf banshee
Attempting karaoke
In a world of dreams
I search for an escape
But all my mind can conjure
Is a scary clown intent on rape
A shiny red clown nose
Forms the head of his huge penis
A former balloon animal
Is all that comes between us
But this makeshift condom
Doesnít have a lot of worth
In a great big circus tent
People watch as I give birth
Everyday I awake
In screams of labour pain
Pushing so damn hard
That I soil the bed again
I work in a call centre
Selling one thing or another
I kind of like the abuse
It reminds me of my mother
ďYou stupid little turd
You fucking little shit
Come back here with that saucepan
Or Iíll cook your cock in itĒ
One day I went too far
And my pet rooster got the knife
Despite my sense of guilt
It was the best meal of my life
Now I love my chicken
I have a bucket every night
People say itís disgusting
But I think itís all right
I really donít like coffee
But I drink it anyway
For it is only consciousness
That keeps that clown at bay
Punch On!
By RaydeAsian
Punch, punch, punch your face
Punchingís so much fun
But if Nick DíArcyís drunk in town
Then you had better run
Little Nick he qualified
He went out for a drink
Little did he know that heíd
End up in the clink
Punch, punch, punch your face
Punchingís so much fun
But if Nick DíArcyís drunk in town
Then you had better run
Settled in with his mates
For cocktails at the Loft
And punched poor Simon Cowley
And broke his palette soft
Punch, punch, punch your face
Punchingís so much fun
But if Nick DíArcyís drunk in town
Then you had better run
Now Nick DíArcyís facing Jail
Maybe 10 or so years
Such a hefty price to pay
For one too many beers
Punch, punch, punch your face
Punchingís so much fun
But if Nick DíArcyís drunk in town
Then you had better run
Itís not the first time heís punched on
Heís punched an Iron man
He punched and punched into his face
Now itís dented like a can
Punch, punch, punch your face
Punchingís so much fun
But if Nick DíArcyís drunk in town
Then you had better run
So whatís the future hold for Nick
Itís something worth a think
The only punching Nick will get
Is from Inmates up his stink
Punch, punch, punch your face
Punchingís so much fun
But if Nick DíArcyís drunk in town
Then you had better run
Love Poem
By Osama Bin Rhymin
I watch you walking down the aisle
A vision dressed in white
You never look real ugly
Even under harsh fluorescent light
While in this world are lots of girls
Many of them are moles
But you my sweet are the most splendid thing
In this particular part of Coles
Youíve a countenance like a butcher
Part maniacal but mostly jolly
And I love the way your eyes light up
When I put meat in your trolley 
Youíre fantastic like a Freddo Frog
Sparkly like Mister Sheen
Youíre salty like a good fish sauce
And so hot that itís obscene
Oh my sweet you are more special
Than a 30% reduction
I love your curls, your chocolate eyes
And that mouth thatís built for suction
Barefoot we do a tango
Down the length of the dog food aisle
I dip you back real low
You wink and give a smile
Sour faced old biddies
Cast evil glances in our direction
We kiss and fondle rockmelons
Before making our selection
You feel me up near the frozen peas
It is quite close to heaven
But If I get any more excited
Weíll need a clean up in aisle seven
A poem by Raydeasian
Your face it looked familiar
And your voice rang timbres similar
Your style was quite apparent
I had seen you once before
It was something 'bout your features
Such a rare and unique creature
I know that I had seen you
From the former days of yore
your curves so ever subtle
Don't deny it with rebuttal
You could feel it deep within you
There was history in our core
With your limbs long and descending
I could hear your breath ascending
Our intimacy apparent
We had shared this space before
Entertwined in common history
Our pulses felt the mystery
Of the bonds that once we shared
Of this much I am sure
You were bothered by persistence
So you proffered your assistance
And helped me solve the riddle
That I'd pondered for a score
Clarity within your answer
You had been a willing dancer
Wrapped in an intimate tango
That had left me wanting more
But more it couldn't be
As it was a younger me
You had met upon the set
Of Dorm Crack Whore
And so there I had the truth
On DVD I owned the proof
Of former triumph, former glories
That I'd written into lore
We had been in movies blue
Just the camera me and you
I nearly fainted, we're reacquainted
I had seen you once before
By the Truth Fairy
you want some words to mean something
you want some time of my life
i have very little of this
i feel like i am being torn into bits
i sit at home quite adrift
not knowing when it will next hit
the wave comes and goes
i get told go with the flow
at times i feel sick
tired of being this chick
i really didnít see this all coming
i wonder if i could change the channel
give this life the flick
it would be no use
i have too much to lose
i have gained so much but lost too much
i had better not make a fuss
life goes on i can see better on some days than others
the wave they say it is
it will get better they all say
just sometimes i just want them to go away
leave me alone to ride this wave
today is a good day i have woken with a clear head
not like the other day when i felt like i was drowning and wet
to swim or no to swim
to fight or not to fight
to live or not to live
i will not give in
i will continue to ride out the wave.
Cotton Candy Coloured Panties
By Succubus
Cotton candy coloured panties
And lips of ruby red
Posed dangerously wild potential
From the chemicals in her head
Balance beam unsteady weighted
On shaky ground beside the ledge
Her ups and downs her greatest downfall
She tippytoes along the edge
On the brink of self sedation
And voluntarily locked down
Puts on her cotton candy coloured panties
And red lips to hide her frown
Weighted clouds of single sinning
Her horizontal burdened doom
Pulsating thumps of panic
A prisoner to her room
Four walls strangely secure comfort
Blinds drawn to block the day
Cotton candy coloured panties
And red lips take pain away
Fashion TV
A poem by Osama Bin Rhymin
Watching Fashion TV
'Cause I like that stupid strut
Chicks without a brain
Dudes without a gut
Walking down the runway
With a demented goldfish stare
Thinking that they're perfect
Thinking someone cares
On some I see their nipples
But there is no breast
Just a mangy row of bones
Jutting sadly from the chest
Emaciated robot whores
Dressed up all futuristic
Will this vision come to be
I'm not feeling optimistic
I try to find the beauty
I try to find the style
But this really is just horseshit
A turgent steaming pile


Selling a Sole
By snow Yellow
Come on now, you have nothing to lose
Get yourself some dead manís shoes
Put them on so we can see
You trample on a memory
Go on get yourself a replica pair
Watch Kurt Cobain turn in his teddy bear
They will come in a heart shaped box
All approved by that bogan goldilocks
And if you hate yourself and want to die
Hereís another thing you might like to try
Get a Kurt Cobain signature slug
Put it in, give the trigger a tug
Your life it is a small price to pay
Try it now, youíll be blown away
And Courtney Love, we will thank her
For ridding the world of another wanker

Clockwork Tosser

A poem by Throwspeare


Jingle Jangle

Metalic Banging

Jingle Jangle

Parts are clanging

Jingling Jangle

His part is Hanging

It's heated to the core


Jingle Jangle

Noise relentless

Jingle Jangle

Constant Part Stress

Jingle Jangle

An oily great mess

He's beaten it some more


Jingle Jangle

Repeated Strumming

Jingle Jangle

Constant Drumming

Jingle Jangle

I hear him coming

Behind the chamber Door


Jingle Jangle

It's so relieving

Jingle Jangle

Fire's breathing

Jingle Jangle

His snake is seething,

His piece can't take no more!


Jingle Jangle all in vain,

The clanging to never start again

Clockwork tosser rusted still

His parts corroded by love's spill



Live With Me
By Holly GoHard

Come live with me and be my love
Bring chicken wire and fibro
We'll build a house in the Hyde Park Trees
And we shall live among the leaves
And swing on the fairy lights

And we will own the Sydney streets
We'll beg for coins from strangers
Then we'll buy ourselves a Bedford Van
And drive across the desert sands
And sleep beneath the starlight

And we will hit the hippie trail
We'll set a course for Thailand
We'll build a boat to cross the sea
Then blow our brains on ecstasy
And dance beneath the moonlight

Oh live with me and be my love
And we'll knock together a spaceship
We'll paint on the side "the moon or bust"
Then we'll snowboard through the soft moondust
And make love on the dark side

And we shall sup of fetta cheese
And perve at all the lovers
We'll wave at the kids we follow in cars
And throw shadow-puppets across the stars
And we'll buggar up the king-tide

Come live with me and be my love
And we shall all the pleasures prove
It's sick how much i fancy you
This torch i carry around for you
Is brighter than a maglight

Ferris Wheel
By Baby Seal Clubber
I learned a new thing
The other day about you
The words you say can really sting
Especially when they're not true
I know that my heart will heal,
but I had hoped we'd be friends for real,
and I thought that you meant
The words that you said on the ferris wheel
I know I have myself to blame
And sure I'm young and foolish
But I hate you now, I hate your name
You really are a cruel fish
I know that my heart will heal,
but I had hoped we'd be friends for real,
and I thought that you meant
The words that you said on the ferris wheel
I know what you want
But I aint gonna let you have it
Really liked you a lot
Maybe more than I can admit
And so now from now on
Gonna stick with what I know
On a ferris wheel
It's best to ride solo
Bubble Girl
By Osama Bin Rhymin
I'm in love with a girl in a bubble
and while I got no pins she's got no trouble
You've never seen such a beautiful thing
all sweet and high on pure oxygen
She looks at me through walls of plastic
and I stare back like a lovestruck spastic
She says she wishes I could come inside
but there's certain death if our worlds collide
Still I want to tear down these walls between us
want to invade her space with my hardened penis
I want to kiss her lips before her last breath blows
and make sweet love during her death throws
But will these moments be worth a life in prison
I just don't know, it's a hard decision

What is it?

By the Truth Fairy

So then tell me what is it?
Yeah that's right!
You , yes you
looking at me
you stare deep into my face
go and find another fucking face
to try and keep a smile on your pretty face



April wenty

By Arctic Fox

so that was a year that
passed, quickly
and painfully, somewhat
the scars: still there, the
fear: still there
but only sometimes
i am not yet
ready to venture
out in the
dark, on my own
but i can walk home,
on my own
mostly without
fear but it keeps
following me everywhere
africa will never
leave me if this
never does



It's Okay

A poem by Osama Bin Rhymin


Do you strike out or reach out?

Keep gambling or cash out?

Do you kiss arse or kick it?

Stay mum or spit it?

Do you scream? Do you yell?

Do you say what the hell?

Do you run down the street

with glass in your feet

just to feel the pain?

It's okay.

Yeah it's okay.

Not your problem anyway.



Spinning out
A poem by Raydeasian (formerly Throwspeare)

spinning in a circle
turning right around
was the man in wheel chair with a wheel stuck to the ground

he met a kindred spirit
who's wheelchair spun the same
but he only had the one arm there to play this spinning game

they then met a third man
who spun round more than most
but instead of wheels this man had legs and was chained up to a post

they tried to start an army
but resources they did lack
as they only had the limbs attached for a right handed attack

their morale had started waning
and as the sun began to set
a furtive moan turned into groans of pang and of regret

inside they had retreated
for their 7 o'clock meds
with tranquil dreams and silent screams in an asylums single bed



Wet Grass Slumber
by Osama Bin Rhymin
The clothesline is spinning
or is it just my head
I'm passed out in your backyard
six feet from the dead
I tried to get inside
but the key it was a cow
too fat for the hole
so here I must lie now
curled up on the lawn
near the dinner that I lost
wrapped ever so gently
in a blanket of white frost
tiny little insects
explore places that you won't
some give me love bites
and some of them they don't
I dream I am a donkey
you won't get off my back
you ride me ever further
I'm about to crack
I try to buck
I try to kick
I try to suck
my donkey dick
Nothing works
I give up the fight
you have won
for another night



For the first time

a poem by Arctic Fox


almost finished with the past,

putting my foot down

forthe first time,

and again and again

will get away with it this time

colder here now,

but so much of a lighter load

to carry



Things that make you special
By Snow Yellow
You're like a dwarf who's really tall
Or a giant who's not that big
You're like a mermaid who has legs
Or a minatour with a human head
You look like your mirror image
Or the identical twin that you never had
You're like a thief who doesn't steal
Or a junkie who just says no
You're like a deep sea diver in a desert
Or an astronaut in a canoe
You're somewhat like a rhinestone cowboy
Except for the rhinestones and the whole cowboy thing


Fully Sick Chick
By Osama Bin Rhymin
It didnít really matter
That she was not so smart
She was free and easy
My loving little tart
She wore seductive clothing
Showed her assets at their best
Two jugs of milky goodness
Standing proudly on her chest
I liked her plunging neckline
I liked her thigh-high hem
I liked her red stilettos
Till she threw up on them
My anger grew in tandem
With the puddle on my floor
I made her clean it up
Then showed her the door
She said she was real sorry
She couldnít hold her piss
And with her vomit breath
Gave me a goodnight kiss



By Osama Bin Rhymin


Took a blind man to a strip joint
thought it wasn't worth the cover
But he was down about the loss
of his sight and his lover
A night out on the town  
was just the prescription
So I sat him near the front
and gave a good description
That one's got small breasts
and not much of an ass
but what she lacks in flesh
she makes up in class
And this one's a blonde
but that's not for certain
'cause the colour of the carpet's
not the colour of the curtains
I talked about their outfits
and the moves that they danced
and which ones I thought
were surgically enhanced
The fragrance of one
he found particularly pleasing
So I surrended a note
to the side of her G-string
She came a little closer
and gave a little smile
and she talked to him
for quite a long while 
They then made their exit
in a passing yellow cab
leaving me sitting there
with a bar bill and a lab
As I was leaving
it pissed down with rain
Making me freezing
and wet once again
Now trudging home broke
sure aint the best plight
but at least I got a dog
and at least I got my sight
Love or something like it

a poem by Conan the Librarian


I love you

It's in me

We'll cry and get under each other's skin.

We'll fuck, abuse, lust, cheat, seduce, care, regret, shag and hate one another.

Don't need you, can live without you

But we'll die together no matter the distance.

I lie to you and love you.

Spoken words had lost all meaning

In the number of times love as been

exhaled - you've made it matter again.

Change me and I'll run away from this; eyes closed Hearing beats hammering ball and chain Beneath my breasts



Sedition Song
By Sir Dancealot and the knights of the Turntable
Youíre relaxed and comfortable, alert not alarmed
Feeling so much safer now Saddamís been disarmed
Drowning refugees donít cloud your conscience
You stand well clear of all that left wing nonsense
You sing the anthem, salute the flag
And ask no questions about the brown paper bags
All those whingeing workers who say itís not fair
Will get cut down like your eyebrow hair
The poor get fucked while the rich get richer
Every single day it's a sadder picture
Well I canít take it, I just canít do it
Iím getting fired up like Lleyton Hewitt
So letís stir it up all dark and delicious
And taste these words so strong and seditious
Iím feeling the urge to incite others
To plot and plan with my Muslim brothers
Think Iím lying? Well youíll look silly
When my crew rolls in to Kirribilli
Weíre tired of all your bullsh*t talking
Weíll take you out while youíre power walking!
Weíll bring mafia tactics to your bed
So you wake up with a horseís head
Weíll take you north for a four year stay
With the Dobermans at Guantanamo Bay
Your hating heart is no match for mine
So Iíll read these words to the terrorist hotline
Iíll call 1800 KILLTHEPM
Howardís going down so CARPE DIEM!



Forgotten treasures

A poem by Throwspeare


Like a tard in a chair burning

Your ugliness I daren't dwell on

With a grin that's ever gurning

I won't gaze upon your melon


Your allure is like a broken band

It's form is rubber plastic

So let me lead you by the hand

And treat you like a spastic


Your oval eyes and Downy smile

Doth play upon my heart

Yet still I'll be so pleased, so glad

As soon as we do part


Dumped upon a nurses Care

In a special centre

Locked away from the world's glare

In bonds so you can't re-enter


You bang against the bonds of time,

Your release is now Verboten,

To be left in quite solitude,

A treasure best forgotten.



The Finer Meat

By Osama Bin Rhymin



I ate a cat today

It tasted oh so sweet

Many talk up pork

But cat's the finer meat

I like it with soy sauce

Or fried in garlic butter

At times I like it roar

I'm somewhat of a nutter

Butchers rarely sell cats

They can be quite expensive

Instead I search the alleys

Where choices are extensive

I wear protective clothing

The bastards like to scratch

I take a great big net

They're bloody hard to catch

Again I'm feeling peckish

I'm searching for a stray

If you love your kitty

Best keep it locked away


 "The Breakup"
A poem by Throwspeare

Looking into big brown eyes I quivered,
Good God! That imp Cupid has now delivered!
A living breathing being of my own,
With gentle breast and a hide of roan.
I take her out to pasture every night time,
I don't believe our love is such a bad crime!
Was I to know those kids were on excursion?
And pay witness to "My Night Time Perversion?"
Alas my love, the rumour, it rings true,
I've been loving cows instead of you.


Cashews by Osama bin Rhymin
If I were a peanut Iíd be envious of cashews
And if I head a bald head Iíd say Yeah Yeah like Greg Matthews
If I were a fork a knife would be my better half
And if I were a toaster I could never take a bath
If I were Ronald McDonald Iíd be a whole lot fatter
And if I had a tiny dick Iíd say that size donít matter
If I were Jesus Christ I'd jog upon the water
And if I were Jon Voigt Angelina would be my daughter
If I were Angelina I'd be married to Brad Pitt
And if I were there baby's nappy I'd be full of shit
If I were a leprechaun Iíd have to grant you wishes
But if I were a mafia man youíd be sleeping with the fishes
If I didnít have a tongue Iíd hardly ever lie
And if I were a Morman Iíd buy a flasher tie
If I were a Vegemite I wouldnít be happy or little
And if I were a bowling ball Iíd feel sorry for the skittle
If I were a tidal wave Iíd apologise to Sri Lanka
And if I were from the eastern suburbs I would be a wanker
If I were a double amputee I could do away with shoes
And if I weren't a virgin I'd have nothing left to lose
If I were a kite I would get extremely high
And if I were a philosophy student I would wonder why
If I were Joseph Iíd regret my wedding night
And when Mary said God impregnated her I would say Yeah Right
If I were a penguin I would slide upon my belly
And look cute for the cameras so that I might get on telly
If I were a doctor I would write myself a note
Explaining that I was ill because I headbutted a goat
If I were a slinky I'd think that no one cares
'Cos everyone I'd meet would push me down the stairs
If I were a polygamist life would be complicated
All my wives would hate me and be sexually frustrated
If I were a teen wolf I would have a crazy hunger
but I'd be cool at basketball and a whole lot younger
If I were Edward Scissorhands I'd refrain from masturbation
'Cos it could get real messy if I gave in to temptation
If I were a pimple I'd rise beneath your skin
Swelling ever bigger till you stab me with a pin
If I were invisible I'd get a tattoo on my face
'Cos if people couldn't see me I'd feel really out of place
If I were a football star I'd snort lots of cocaine
'Cos then I'd get kicked out and wouldn't have to train
If I were smurfette I'd be an outright bitch
Any smurf who didn't please me I would quickly ditch
If I were kurt Cobain I'd feel a deep despair
That my psycho wife had stuffed my ashes in a bear
If I were the Lone Ranger Iíd find comfort with my horse
I would love and care for him and give him special sauce
If I were a panda bear Iíd do it for my species
And if I were a hungry dog Iíd munch on my own faeces
If I were to name a star I would call it Fred
Iíd have my ashes shot up there when I was gone and dead

Maple Syrup Eyes

By Colonel Kurtz


You were my destruction
with your supernova smile
fiery seduction
burning me alive
your mad thoughts my gospel
your wicked lies divine
if only you were as sweet
as your maple syrup eyes




A poem by Osama Bin Rhymin


Lying in your bedroom

And they're staring at me strange.

Why don't you put your friends away

Now you've come of age?

Feeling like a pervert

While their button eyes glare at me.

Girl you're not a girl no more

Girl you're 23.

What do you want to hold?

What do you need to hold?

I am not a fluffy toy.

I'm a hard and horny boy.

Make your decision girl.

What do you need to hold?


Soup line blues

By RaydeAsian

My 5 O'Clock Shadow
Ooo it never grew so good
It grows in the morning
Grows because it could
But my 5 O'Clock baby
She never gave me wood

I met her in the soup line
'most 10 years ago
She hooked up with the baker
And his three string banjo
They made sweet music
And left me all alone

How could I keep her?
I never held her first.
I just watched that baker
And I muttered a curse
And now my poor heart
It hurts so much more worse.

She's 7 months pregnant
She's got a bun in the oven
It's the pesky wee baker
And his breadstick of lovin
I'll snap off his bread stick
Right up his ass I'll be stuffin...

My 5 O'Clock Shadow
Ooo it never grew so good
It grows in the morning
Grows because it could
But my 5 O'Clock baby
She never gave me wood

Questioning Equality

By Raven Lunatic

I see my arm before I see the stars
But who am I to think that my arm
Is better than a star that kisses
A mountain peak
That watches the raven soar
Feeling the wind in feathers new
That tosses leaves
Across lands to hit the grass once more
Housing the Emperor of MIce
Sacrificed to the Prince of Cats
Who returns the gift to me
In a gesture of simple feeling
I am in his Pride as he is in mine
This you forget
This I remember

A short Ode
By RayDeAsian
Lonely midget sits and stares
At what? All of the loved up pairs
Proper proportions coupled in two's
Who can we find for you?
Your tiny little scrunched up face
Your lips they hang with simian grace
You back hangs out from your white shirt
We'll find you a love true.
You have no tact no style or flair
You interrupt without a care
Your face I really want to hurt
Who would want to be with you?
Yet midget you have caught a mate,
A loved one who knows not his fate,
Someone to lick inside your skirt
He is the one for you
Your day of love it draws quite near
And you will fuck off out of here
And so now midget, go get a clue
We all f*cking hate you.
Tossing Phrase
A poem by Raydeasian
Alone in an office of tables
Bereft of a theme and all that is functional
Yet the reminder sounded punctual
To the writer of the story
Pen trotted in minds stables
Would the tale be slightly fictional
Or would truth prove to be frictional
Or spread impending glory?
Who knows what forms the word takes
Would the rhyme and form be pleasing
Or lyrically teasing
In this stanza and prose form
The pressure causing hand shakes
The literary opus
Is losing all its focus
Leaving writer now forlorn
Yet the concept proves its value
Writing commenced with renewed vigour
The pen begins to quiver
With this author stylised lightning
Words wrapped in tender rose hue
The work is now complete
This literary feat
Is just wanking but with writing